I have been asking my mother why she did not tell me 14 years ago. Why did she not tell me the whole truth about parenting? How come she did not tell me how intense it is. How much it sucks you and how it transforms life.
Sometimes it seems it’s one of the top secrets ever, that even parents do not tell their friends what it’s really like.
It is difficult to explain this intensity. What is it like to respond to someone else’s needs all the time. It’s so intense we can’t hear our thoughts. We have no idea what we want or need. It can be as basic as going to the bathroom or eating. Sometimes we do not even know how we feel.
When I ask postpartum parents why they miss the life before, they talk about spontaneity. And it’s not that they would hop on planes for spontaneous vacations abroad. That’s the potential, they explain to me. We could go where we wanted, whenever we wanted. It did not matter at all whether we took advantage of it or not. Now we have to coordinate; every exit is logistics. And who knew it could be so hard to leave a baby with someone else. That can be so hard to take time for ourselves.
It’s not just logistics. It’s the difficulty of disconnecting. Make time for ourselves. Move ourselves to the top of the list of priorities. It feels illegitimate. They need me, so how can I take care of myself now?
There’s something scary about taking time for myself. What happens if I do not know what to do at this time? I may have already forgotten what it means to be me. I forgot what I was enjoying. Maybe I’ll find out that they get along without me or that they don’t really need me. It’s scary to lose myself in favor of parenting, but it’s also frightening to lose myself in parenting.
So we surrender. We are putting ourselves aside. The truth is that we are devoted- the mothers. For most fathers, it seems, it is easier to take care of themselves and less to get lost. Reality encourages this. Most fathers return to work, and their daily lives do not change in the same way that mothers’ daily lives change. They keep going to work, eating lunch, talking to adults. They have other areas that occupy them, not just parenting. Sometimes going to a workout or drinking with friends is another anchor, which helps digest the change. Slow it down.
Mothers usually stay at home. They are busy with taking care 24 hours a day for the children. Sometimes there are whole days when they have a baby on them, physically. They do not feel the limits of their body. Some are still recovering – physically and emotionally – from birth. And the transition is so difficult. And the worry, anxiety, and sense of responsibility and guilt feeling then.
Some mothers feel different and manage to see themselves within motherhood. Who take care of themselves. Many times they feel anomalies among all mothers. Like it’s wrong. Some fathers experience the transition to parenthood differently. That change in life is difficult for them whether they would like to be at home on their own and have difficulty understanding the disconnection and return to work. And whether dependence and loss of freedom frighten them. It’s an irreversible change.
And it’s not just after birth. Sorry for the bad news. Parenting is Intensive.
Our children need us all the way. They need our presence (but at least sleep a whole night), need to give them confidence (but also independence), they need to know we love them, to hug them, and take care of them. But not in the same way. It’s still intense but different.
Good news, But they also need us to take time for ourselves. Let’s take care of ourselves. The kids need us to be a model for them. They will look at us and learn from us how to listen to themselves and find a balance between their needs and giving to others. They need a model that does not give up. And even though it’s hard, it’s possible. It just needs training. And if you start early in parenting, it even becomes easier. It is an internal change, and it takes time. Each one has a different rhythm. Sometimes, as in children, there is regression. That it’s hard to go out again, that we forget ourselves again. This is why parents need support and encouragement from each other and the environment. To help us hear ourselves and make time for ourselves. We will be better for ourselves. And if that’s not important enough, we’ll be better parents to our children.
