Should I intervene? Correct inequality? Maybe Reconcile? How can we help create a better environment for our children and what to do and not do when a quarrel arises?
“Mom!! He’s harassing me!”, “Dad!!!! He kidnapped me!”
I am a second daughter to an older brother and two younger brothers, and as in any average home, so have we, and lots and lots of fights. Of course, we just ran/screamed for the parents to intervene. When I was a child, I often imagined what my life would have been like if my siblings had not been born.
Naturally, parents who feel that one of the children has done something wrong or that one weak side needs to be protected intervene. And that’s wrong!
Before we understand why and what can and should be done, let’s first understand what’s happening in the sibling’s relationship.
Our children did not invent fights. Children fought since the dawn of humanity, the story of Cain and Abel, remember? Here is a story of jealousy between brothers. Cain and Abel are the first two sons of Adam and Eve. Cain, the firstborn, was a farmer, and his brother Abel was a shepherd. The brothers made sacrifices to God, but God favored Abel’s sacrifice instead of Cain’s. Cain then murdered Abel out of jealousy. After that, God punished Cain by condemning him to a life of wandering. Jealousy is the engine that pushes us to move forward and achieve what is after. As long as it is not at the expense of the other, jealousy is an excellent fuel. It is normal if jealousy does not run our lives and eat us within.
The most precious resource in the family – attention, and love
Children are willing to do a lot to gain parents’ attention, love, and appreciation, but that is the subject of another article. In any family, regardless of the parents’ occupation and the amount of time they spend with the children, the resource that the children crave the most is attention. The competition will develop into a fight if the children learn to gain another share of this precious resource.
Us parents must understand that the real reason for the fight is not the thing they are arguing about, for that matter, who will play on the iPad, but about us. It will be easier for us to respond thus when we understand this.
Do I encourage quarrels??
As parents, we make many mistakes without paying attention and certainly without intention in the first place. But these mistakes are the fuel of the quarrels so if you feel that the fighting is only intensifying, stop and check with yourself what you did that contributed to the situation?
Here are five common mistakes parents make when quarreling:
- Comparison between siblings – We often compare siblings to try to motivate the other brother to act like his brother – “Did you see how your brother arranged his room?” Or if by over-paying attention to the achievement of only one brother, “What a champ, your every test is 100!”. Life is full of comparisons, we as parents have no way to prevent this from our children, but we can and should prevent it at home and especially between siblings. Beyond arguments, comparisons can lead children to harmful complexes. Psychology describes two complexes named after the two famous brothers – Cain and Abel: Cain complex is typical of elders, although it can often be in younger siblings. Compared to his brother, the child feels in constant competition for his place in the family. The child feels a constant sense of alertness always to be the “best” in everything, the best in studies, help at home, the most orderly, etc., so that his brother will not “dispossess” him of his place. Abel Complex – talks about the boy who experienced remorse and inability to enjoy his achievements because of his brother’s jealous look. Such a child will feel that every compliment or achievement he has received is like a knife in his brother’s heart, and therefore his pleasure will not be complete. In many cases, such brothers will hide their achievements or even lower themselves not to increase the jealousy of the other brother. Of course, there is no connection to birth order in life. The complex can appear in any sibling towards another sibling regardless of who was born before.
- Giving preference to children – humans in general and parents in particular- tends to stick labels. As parents, we tend to label each child unique when we stick the label “good boy” or “smart” to one child we create, without noticing, jealousy and competition between siblings. Something evolutionary about it makes our lives easier, so we do it without paying attention.
- Over-Intervention in Conflicts– Many parents say, “but they are constantly fighting. I can not hear it anymore”. And This is the place to understand that our intervention does not solve the problem but only exacerbates it. We may have managed to stop the current fight, but we ordered another 100 new. In addition, we often tend to constantly intervene in favor of one party, which increases the sense of deprivation and injustice in the other child. We think he is hapless because he is small/weak, and we come to his defense. Let me reveal a secret to you – often the small and fragile tease, Without seeing him, of course, big enough to win our sympathy.
- Create equality where there is no room for equality – To prevent the little ones from feeling deprived in front of the big ones, we will try to create “equality” in a strange place that will cause the big one’s resentment. For example, we will require everyone to go to bed simultaneously despite the difference in age and the needs of each one. It can be big versus small.
- Creating conspiracies behind the children’s backs– Do you know someone that says to his kid, “Do not tell your brother that I bought you ice cream because then he will want one too?”. Parents do this to avoid confrontation with one of the children, but they do not realize that they are not doing well with any of the siblings: these conspiracies and the need to hide from the other brother harm both children. The child who “won” understands that there is a situation that tomorrow they will do the same with his brother behind his back and the other child, as the phrase “the end of every living thing to be revealed,” will eventually reveal the secret. He will feel hurt by the concealment.
- Whistleblowing – When a child whistles about his brother committing a forbidden act, and the parent punishes the other child for the thing, he encourages the children to continue whistling about each other. Most of it makes the other brother “kidnap” and get me “the good boy.” Such gossip, of course, harms the bond between the brothers and provokes the fighting.
Stop fighting already!
We talked about what not to do, but how can the fighting stop?
First, let’s coordinate expectations. Quarrels will always be an integral part of the sibling’s relationship. But we can significantly reduce their frequency and intensity if we adhere to a few rules:
- Avoid comparison – Encourage each child relative to himself and not to others and certainly not close to his sibling.
- Avoid sticking labels on children– Remind yourself that every child is a world in its entirety and has many sides. No child is just “good,” just as no child is just “bad.” Check with yourself what labels you have given to each of the children and whether the label does no injustice to the other children.
- When they are already numerous, avoid interference as much as possible. If the arguments have escalated into violence – stop them by separating the two sides equally, without standing against one side. Let the kids lead themselves. Your intervention should be on helping him learn conflict resolution strategies, negotiate and give up. You are not a judge, and you do not have to decide who is right and who is guilty.
- Avoid hiding and lying – let the children face the truth with each other and with you.
- Do not punish for something revealed to us through telling – even if the act is very annoying to you. If one of the children comes and wants to report, they stop him and tell him, “I would love to hear if you have anything good to talk about your brother, bad things he did I am only willing to hear from him.” If the child feels that he is not benefiting from the gossip, he will stop gossiping. Of course, you should explain to the children that in cases where a red line is crossed (each family and its red lines), it is not only okay but even desirable to “tip-off.” Note that your red lines are red and do not have too many of them (borders and red lines are a topic for a separate discussion).
- Most important – remember – children are not fighting when there is no audience – for them, the most sought-after audience is us, parents. They are fighting to win our attention. Therefore, we must give them attention when they are not fighting and move as far away from the arena as possible when they are many. They will get along without us. They will get along and even better.
Quarrels between siblings can exhaust us parents, but it is essential to remember that siblings give each other a sense of belonging and security. Our job as parents is to help them establish a good and safe sibling system that will buy them these feelings.
I have two brothers and one sister.
When I was a kid, I sometimes fantasized about being an only child. Looking back and certainly on the present, I can say that my siblings are the best gift I could have asked of my parents.
